Earlier today I�was walking around the house and getting things ready to do laundry and make up some food that I�want to store and playing with the boys and I just stopped for a moment to think about how different my life is from this time last year.
If you would have told me a year ago that today is how my life would be I�would not even begin to believe you. This time last year my whole world was upside down and I�didnapos;t know that I�was ever going to survive all that was taking place.
I lived in a very different life at that point. It was one that I and my past partner had outgrown in so many ways that there was not enough words to describe all of it. I�had known fallen in love with Matthew and was still not sure how that worked.
I�also started taking anxiety medication around the same time. I was having panic attacks that would come out of the blue and leave me on the ground shaking and crying and not able to function at all. At the end of October I�moved downtown and in most ways was in the worst shape I�had ever been in. By 6 in the evening I�was shaking because I needed my next dose of Lexapro and waitnig for the stupid inbox of my email to give me news of my one evening a week. Life was not pleasant for anyone. The other awful part of my life was that I was drinking a lot. Not just a drink but I was getting utterly wasted at every chance that I got.
After some very big changes and a full year my life is at peace. I live in a house outside of town and have two dogs and a partner that is just right for me. We donapos;t go out much with other people and Iapos;m not constantly on the go for others like I�used to be and that feels great. I�still help and there is a lot of me left but it has just changed.
For one Iapos;m a lot calmer then I�have been in years. I�like my life a ton. Sometimes I�think the hardest thing to do is just let go and see what happens. I have been off Lexapro for a really long time now and I�havenapos;t had a panic attack in a long while. I�work a ton at a medium size daycare in Brownsburg and hang out with Matthew.
One of the biggest changes is that we donapos;t drink anymore either. I�had no idea how out of control it was until I�started thinking about all of these moments and it was like uhm yea and I�was drunk. It isnapos;t how I�want to live my life and thankfully have cut it out.
Iapos;m really looking forward to getting married. It seems bizarre to me that I would even want that. I said I�would never marry again. I thought the whole idea of it was awful. Then I realized that it can be good. I�just was to young and too set in past dynamics to know what a real marriage was suppose to look like. Iapos;m blessed with a partner that I am happy to share my whole life with. I�would go anywhere and do anything as long as I�know that my partner is there and we will get through it together.
All of this comes from a place of being very grateful for the experiences and moments that I�have gone through before now. I wish the best for the people who have been and are in my life now. I hope everyone understands that Iapos;m a happy. Yes, Iapos;m happy not going out all of the time. Iapos;m happy not being around a ton of people. Yes, my world my seem really small compared to others but this is the world that fits perfect for me.
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